Its a Bank Holiday weekend!!!!!!!! Whoop! And only eleven days of radio left. Whoop Whoop!!
We took the cub out to a climbing and trampoline park today. Usually, I don’t buy into the fact that we have to do an activity every weekend and have to pay to make memories, but over the last few months I have felt like I owe her fun. And to have fun means leaving the house (I am no fun in the house as I am tired and end up in bed). I feel that if we go out I have to make a concerted effort to get through it and that in some way I am making up to her my absence in other ways. I know that sounds utterly ridiculous. Writing it down feels ridiculous. But if mama guilt of a full time working mama was prevalent before, it is even worse now. Never have I felt so absent in her life and like I am letting her down.
Tonight though, the man cub and I have laughed and laughed. We were talking about an upcoming wedding that we need to consider outfits for and again, more words I thought I would never utter just tumbled across my lips. As blasé as you like I just uttered ‘I’m not sure dress shopping will be successful, I don’t think anyone ever designs a dress that goes with bald’!! We were absolutly creased!
We’ve also had a late offer of overnight babysitting tomorrow night. I am over the moon – a bank holiday with a Sunday drinking session could be on the cards. The man cub just wants to sleep though!!
After an afternoon of shoe shopping that wasn’t for me (furious), the cub has been dispatched to the parentals, and the man cub and I are free to go wild. Which in reality meant that we procrastinated for about two hours about whether we were going out, once we decided we were going out, what were we going to wear, and how would we get there. You can tell we’ve totally lost sight of a good drinking session over the practicalities of how we achieve this. I’m pretty sure I used to be able to go out at the drop of a hat before having a cub. We are so sad.
We made it out and spent a lovely few hours people watching, had a good chuckle like we used to about fashion choices (and I should be put in a box for that!), and observing other couples and their dynamics. We were back to being us – not mama and dada for one night – just us as a couple. The couple that fell in love, have worked through a good few years of the trials and tribulations of relationships and having a small cub, but we are still those two people who decided to hook up many moons ago and have a laugh at life together. We just need a reminder sometimes. I also don’t think we give enough credit to how beautiful it is that we commit to us as a couple every day. It isn’t an effort, because it is so comfortable.
Rocked out an amazing lie in today! No guilt. No phone or tv used with a cub as a distraction while I nursed a hangover/wanted more sleep. Nope, just a lovely long lie in and a natural wake up time! Loved it. But I was missing her, so off I went to collect her. Yep – the car journey back reminded me of what I did not miss – incessant talking for the full twenty minutes and I could have taken her back!! (I honestly do love her, she’s just a bloody talker and doesn’t have a filter for quiet time yet!).
So I decided this afternoon that I needed to do a little walk to keep building the practice miles for my big walk! It had nothing to do with removing me from the relentless talking from the cub! Absolutely nothing at all so I told the man cub And off I went. 7.67 miles blitzed in two hours at a 17min mile pace. Not too shoddy considering I’m still dog tired from radio / full time work shenanigans. I’m fairly happy with that. But I know I’m going to feel this walk tomorrow. I absolutely think my head dictated this walk and I walked like I used too. My body might have different thoughts about it after a nights sleep!
We’ve also watched the SAS Stand Up to Cancer special on the TV tonight. We’d done really well just watching the celeb bit of the programme where they do the SAS challenges, and avoided the ‘personal’ stories that pepper these programmes with the aim of making you suddenly so sad that you reach for the phone to donate your house. However, we didn’t fast forward a bit where a young girl was chatting innocently about her cancer journey. It was all so beautiful, she was beautiful. She had got married to the love of her life after being diagnosed, it showed a few bits of the horror of chemo, and then………. The footage took an horrific turn when her wife ended the short clip by saying that she had lost her battle and cancer had taken her life.
Well. That was heart breaking.
I realise tonight that I am never again going to watch these stories without feeling gut wrenching pain. Without being grateful. Without being thankful. Without being sad. I have always been a crier with stories like these (don’t tell everyone, but I am an absolute softy), but now I am crying for me and mine. I am sad that cancer has infiltrated my life. I am sad that my precious people are sad. I am mad that we have to bear this and these stories are now so much closer to our existence. There are absolute moments of ‘why me’. Equally, seeing these insights into others who have battled or lost battles with cancer, have took me to depths of despair. My darkest thoughts seem to come alive when I see these losses and it takes everything I have to remain in the moment. To remind myself that I am still here and I am still living life.
Because I will have this. I have eleven days to go until I can say I am done with active treatment and I am going to own it. Absolutely.