Day 12 of radio and a later appointment didn’t help me today. It was a random 9am instead of my usual 8am but I have had the worst sleep since I had chemo.
I honestly thought I was going to fall over horizontal on the radio bed after the long drive in as it was trashing in commuter traffic. The Receptionist remembered my name before I got to the desk today – ‘you’re checked in’ – it threw me so badly. Becoming another stat is one thing. Becoming an actual name is another. Ugh.
I’ve decided that today I’m going home after the radio sesh. I need more sleep. I have decided to look after me and get the sleep I need. My head is totally overcompensating for being positive, for waiting for the final days to countdown, for the ultrasound that I still need, for the incompetence of my doctors. I’m too tired to string together words today!
So home, and sleep. Sleep mask on (I tell you what, these are revolutionary in my life for daytime sleeping – as a total hater of napping, I never understood how you can sleep in the day, now I can block out daylight and sleep on a bean pole!!). When I wake there is a letter from the hospital! Yay – I have an appointment for my ultrasound. Whoop.
Then nope… The appointment is 9am on Monday. The same time I have just rearranged all of my booster sessions too. Of course it bloody is. WHY?!?! So I ring, get it rearranged and it is now next Friday, eight more days. Give me strength.
Once I pulled myself together I headed into work, solid meetings, home to get child, bath time and headed her off too bed. She was being particularly belligerent tonight, and when I told her that she didn’t need to have the last word of every conversation, she stated ‘but I’m only five mama, and I don’t know everything yet’! She knocks me over sometimes!!
So Day 13 , it is Friday and I am ready for the weekend. I have radio, due a call from the docs and a day of work to get through before I can have a few drinks and put the world to rights with the man cub. Two of my favourite lady radiographers joined forces today and they are just so lovely. It’s the little things like chatting while they pull me about, while also making me feel human and not just another piece of paper.
Get back into work, and having my lunch when the Doctors called. Following up on my complaint. And I cried. In work and I bloody cried. Primarily out of frustration. So my Doctors have been in touch with my Oncologist – her who had said that I could go back on the pill – who has now decided that because she’s facing a bit of a challenge from my Docs, she’s going to back down and has provided another letter saying that on reflection there isn’t enough evidence for me taking the pill and it not having negative side effects in terms of future cancer. So I definitely can’t have it now. I’m frustrated that the original nurse at the Docs is now a little bit justified, I’m frustrated that I don’t know if me taking the pill in between would have a detrimental effect, frustrated that the coil or sterilisation is my only option. I would need the mirena coil which can only be done by Family Planning Clinic – I feel like I’m a hormonal teenager again! Sterilisation seems a tad extreme considering I’m very likely going through the menopause so will be a mute point in a year. But it is so frustrating that I am now at an absolute impasse because everyone around me can’t keep a straight story going. After all I have gone through in terms of my treatment I have trusted every decision made (apart from the radio blip – same Oncologist) and now I am starting to have a real mistrust of the medical professionals who are supposed to be helping me. I can’t process all of this now as my wee brain is too tired, but I will process it later.
FML – why can’t one day be drama free? Just one day. I spend the afternoon fibbing to friends and family that I am fine, but I am a wee bit fed up.
After a quiet Saturday yesterday, I have decided today to take myself out for a longish walk. I am still reeling from the conversation with the Doctors on Friday, the fact I am waiting for next Friday to look at ‘the lump’ and trying to get through the tiredness that radio and full time work is dropping on me. I’m also trying to work out where I fit in being a mammy because my poor cub is missing me – I mean I am here, I am giving out all the hugs and all the love, but I am also absent because my head is away in the clouds trying to process things that I just wish I didn’t have to.
So, I become more absent (!) by tramping out on a walk. A walk that I scoped out, approximated, and then told the man cub that I would be a ‘few’ hours! Off I went…..
After a fight with rapeseed in a field where I got a little bit disorientated, a backtrack in a field with horses (I don’t like them after one kicked me when I was little and stroked its rear end!), and a walk through what appeared to be a deserted house and land, but had several Alsatians in cages that barked quite loudly at me, I suddenly realised that I hadn’t really considered my safety. I hadn’t told the man cub where I was actually going and ridiculous thoughts of me being kidnapped and murdered in the wilds of the rolling hills near where I live became rife in my mind. WTAF. Why would my mind get into this. Pre C I wasn’t ever the biggest drama queen. I would be the pragmatist in any situation. Given the worst case scenario I would always say ‘and?’, which my staff team love, but I don’t ever usually revert to worst case unless I know it is an absolute given. And here I was on a walk, in my own space, listening to a podcast, and thinking about my own demise (albeit not through C but through other devious means). Bloody hell, I need to get a grip of myself.
After a good tramp along an old railway line (which was well walked by non-murderers!) and a walk back through my local woods which I am more than familiar with having walked them over 12 months of maternity leave with a small cub strapped to me, I made it home alive (shock horror!).
But I have been left with some vulnerability from this. Before it would have probably taken a lot for me to get spooked by being a lone walker, out by myself, in the middle of nowhere, just having a walk. When I think of all the nights I took taxis by myself, slightly inebriated from town to home, got them to drop me down the street so the parentals didn’t hear the car and snuck into home – I never thought about my safety. I’m not sure I would have put it high on my radar now without a C diagnosis. But everything is heightened for my cub. I need to be safe, I need to be here, I need to be around and I want to keep it that way. I feel like I have suddenly realise that I am not infallible. And that does make me a little bit sad. But maybe it makes me wiser. (P.S. I did 8.5 miles in 2h, 44m. I’m getting more confident now – not fully there, but certainly more confident!).
Because, I will keep going with this damn journey. I will have this. And I will be stronger.