Heart of Darkness


Broken. I was broken today. BROKEN.

Yep, today was the day that I went to see my CP and had to deal with the Heart of Darkness.

I was distracted this morning and my eyes are back to crazy weepy, blurry, dryness, painfulness. Chemo is still dealing its cards. I’m a bit worried about it but I need to be patient and get chemo drugs out of my system so I can get them checked properly. I got a new phone today so tried to distract myself with the childish excitement of getting a new toy. It didn’t help!

After trying to nap as its my low immune days and I’m not at work, I got myself ready for my CP appointment. I am full on dreading it. I have no idea how I am going to get through it!! So I drove myself (traffic was trying to help me avoid as massive queues but I made it right on time!) after telling the parentals that I didn’t have an appointment as I couldn’t deal with my daddy seeing the state that I might come out in.

CP eased me into the session taking me through how my mindfulness was going and whether I was making the most of my worry time. Mmmmm, I fib a little as I know I haven’t done anywhere as much as I should / could. I still wing it every day and am only tapping into these techniques when I really feel down. Which I know defeats the purpose and if I use the techniques every day that I could reduce the effects of my bad days. It is so hard though when I’m not conditioned to this way of self care, and have managed pretty well so far in my life.

Then BAM. Into dealing with my actual emotions. And off I blubbed! Immediately got right to the point that it is my gorgeous cub that is causing me the most pain and angst. That my whole world revolves around her and that the pure briefest of thoughts of not being around for her sends me into an absolute spiral. I’ve ceased up writing this. Its so crazy. At 25 years old I didn’t want kids – would have happily had my tubes tied. At 30 I was still living life in the fast lane and no kids featured on my horizon. My biological clock kicked in at 33 and I then spent two years persuading the man cub that a mini cub would be a great addition to our family! He finally agreed!!

But I’ve realised today that it is purely her that is driving my darkest thoughts. I guess I see that everyone else in my life – man cub, family, friends – can look after themselves if I wasn’t here. And don’t get me wrong, I know she would be loved, adored, looked after and thrive, BUT I want to be there, I want to see her grow up, I want to support her in all she does, I want to witness what she achieves.

At the point I could feel myself tipped into the crevasse, I turned the conversation back to a rational and logical approach and told CP that if I could help other people and that if my story made people check themselves then I had achieved something. He might as well have bollacked me at that point!!!!He paused me right in my tracks and told me that we needed to deal with these emotions surrounding the cub and how I could deal with this going forward.

And that was it. That was when I actually broke. I got to the real point. Not just the fact that I love this gorgeous cub and want to see her become amazing. It is because I feel I’ve failed. FAILED her. That its my fault that I got cancer. Its my fault that she’s living with this. Something I have done has caused this (there is obviously no actual evidence behind this). Something in my lifestyle has made this happen. I haven’t fought hard enough. My body has failed her. I have been too affluent in my choices. I have been selfish. Those words – I have failed. And CP stops me. He corrects me. He tries to bring me back on track about why I feel such devastating sadness and again I flip into my pragmatic head and pause the tears. I know that I am being irrational and that tears aren’t actually going to solve anything here and now.

But CP pushes me again. He challenges me on the word ‘fail’. Cancer is a silent enemy, living within us, and maybe my vices have led to my body not being sharp enough to defend against the sneaky little bugger. Have I failed. Maybe I have. I failed to live the cleanest life possible to make sure my cub wouldn’t deal with this. I failed to appreciate fully the life we are given is a precious gift. I still keep failing as I can’t beat the habits (I mean I am going through a challenging time, so breaking habits at this moment in time is quite hard!).  CP reminds me that Cancer doesn’t discriminate. It can appear in the healthiest clean living human, or the most unhealthy vice driven. I’m probably somewhere in the middle! And I then cried. Cried for me. Cried for my cub. Cried for my man cub and my family.

Its so hard because there is a constant ‘why me’. I mean, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but I still say ‘why me’ in my head a lot. I guess its human nature. I mean the man cub and I laugh at how unlucky we are at times. We could win the lottery and lose the ticket!! I mean, we live the ‘sods law’ rule most common days!!

I walked out of the appointment truly feeling the lowest I’ve ever felt. But also weirdly satisfied. As I had finally cried about some of my demons. The devil sat on my shoulder. And I had got the words out and finally made connections in my mind about why I was so sad. It absolutely makes sense why I do feel so desperately sad and this gives me a new power. I have control again.

And I will have this battle too.


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